Industrious. Determined. Grit. Never-give-up. Talkative. Upbeat. Creative. Busy. Caring. Likes a good challenge. Straight and to the point. Detail oriented. Knowledgable. Educated. Perfectionist.
These are some of the words that people that people have used to describe me. I am successful in my own mind. You see, if you take the me of high school compared to the me of present day – I am definitely successful. I have a Master’s degree. A am a few classes shy of another Master’s degree. In high school I was called a loser – by my coach. I was told I would never amount to anything – by a guidance counselor. The same guidance counselor said college wasn’t for everyone and I would be better off at Wendy’s as a line cook.
Perhaps it was those two things that helped motivate me, helped continually push me – again, and again, and again. Over and over again. I won’t bore you all the life details.
I’ll just go to my question…”WHAT DOES —- DO?” My tough question.
WHAT DOES HE (—) DO?
THAT was the question that made me cringe. What DID my ex do? I can tell you what I did? I worked all day. I drove 2.5 hours one way to work, worked 8-10 hours, drove another 2.5 hours. What did —- do in those 13-15 hours? GOOD QUESTION. He certainly didn’t do any house work. He certainly didn’t have a job. He didn’t do laundry. Didn’t help the kids with their homework.
What he claimed…and what he did
He CLAIMED to be looking for a job. He would claim to be “too busy” to take the kids to school – their school was 5 minutes away. And he would be “too busy” to pick them up from school. After I left – I have no idea what he does. Does he work? Does he support himself? Who buys his daughter her school clothes? Does she remember that I care, that I cared? Does she remember it was me who was there?
What I found to be true, and based on what my daughter told me is that he would spend his days glued to a chair or sofa. He would play video games or watch TV. And Netflix confirmed this. One day at work he called me and was nagging me about how i never did anything around the house – so later I pulled up Netflix and then the history. Truly, I expected to see maybe 6 to 10 things viewed that day. I was FLOORED when I counted almost 30 things. THIRTY!!! What?! How?! Ugh!!! So – you’re mad because you get the house dirty and it doesn’t self clean?!
So many questions, so little answers.
Answering – what does he do….
I hated going to church/events/family things (those were the only things he would go to) because I KNEW that question would come up. Did —- find a job yet? What does he do anyway? What type of job is he looking for? Where is he today (in other words…he doesn’t work – so he has no valid excuse for not being here)? And the excuses I came up with. Oh, he’s taking some time off…he’s going back to school and wants to focus on that…etc, etc, etc. And of course the truth could never be revealed. No job skills, no desire to work,and he has already turned down 6 jobs that have been offered to him. Sadly….it even seemed okay to him that our utilities would get shut off – that was always my fault, because I didn’t make enough money. At times we had no power, at times we had no water, at times we had no food. Our kids never noticed, or we talked around it. Oh…the water’s out in the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD…so we have to go to grandmas to shower. My step-daughter commented that there were no hungry people in our neighborhood – and I thought…there are hungry people in this home.
Has ____ found a job yet? What does he do anyway (as in career)? How does one even answer that? “I’m sorry…he has no real marketable skills to speak of, so honestly I can’t say what type of job he’s looking for. But anything that helps get our water turned back on?” I seriously doubt that answer would have been appropriate. But really – that time is in the past, because he is now my “ex.” However…
Many other tough questions do linger in my mind:
- Can I realistically ever get out of debt?
- When I quit breathing at night – will I ever not start back again?
- Am I likable?
- What bad habits do I need to quit doing?
- How do others see me?
- Is something wrong with me?
- Am I so broken inside that I can never have a normal relationship again?
So really, the question is “What does ONE do”…
- to get out of debt
- to have more self worth
- to not sometimes hate herself
- to not hold herself to such high standards
- to try to not be a perfectionist
Sigh – just keep putting one foot in front of the other. And just keep swimming.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I will keep plugging away at finding solutions to my problems.
Keep paying my bills, slowly but surely.
There is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I may not see it – but I know it’s there.
<a href="https://dailypost.wordpress.com/discover-challenges/tough-questions/">Tough Questions</a>