I’m so tired of pretending. It seems like my whole life is a lie. From the very moment of my birth, the name of the man on my birth certificate is a lie. Me being told my parents were my parents is a lie. Lie, lie, lie.
I can understand why it as done. Coming out with an affair would have shattered two families and destroyed lives. So “he” (the bio dad) convinced my mom that I wasn’t his – and life went on. But funny how life works…you just usually can’t get a darker kid from two light skinned parents. And you can’t typically get a dark hard kid from a blond and a ginger. But it’s all good – really it is.
Why now? My biological father passed away this week. He was a great man. Probably one of the best men I know. He was kind, sensitive, loved his family….a true gentleman.
But in one sense I’m tired of pretending. I have a daughter who doesn’t know her cousins. Cousins who are JUST LIKE HER. She doesn’t know family – WHO SHE IS JUST LIKE. And…there is NOTHING I can do about it because “officially” I DON’T EXIST IN THEIR WORLD!
So that’s my prayer. that they’ll accept my daughter and I, and my parents. That everything will work out – and peace will be made. And at lest my daughter can make a gradual friendship between her cousins…
Death. It’s a word we hear, but it really doesn’t affect us until it happens.
Sunday night I was on Facebook and saw a post that stopped my heart – and then broke it. The man who was like a father to me (in fact he IS my biological father) had passed away just hours before. And how did I find out? SOCIAL MEDIA.
Rarely do I cry. But last night I sobbed. My family is in another state so I am here, all alone to deal with my grief. And worst of all, NO ONE knows how bad my grief is. And really, no one CAN know.
No one really knows (or at least acknowledges) that this man was my biological father. Don’t get me wrong, I have a father who raised me, I have his name, and I call him dad. But there is another father as well. I knew him as my Godfather, my friend. He counseled me. Taught me the value of hard work. He was wise, he was loved, and I am honored to call him my father.
Sadly, I will only be able to call him my father on this anonymous blogging site. Because illegitimate children and adultery are not spoken of – I shall remain the unnamed person that people whisper about.
So, I hold my head up high, conduct myself in a manner in which he would be proud.
It was brought to my attention today, that perhaps I’m getting in the way of myself.
You see, I have been twice married – and twice divorced. And it is on this basis that I had decided that I would never again date, or marry. And then today at work I was talking to someone and she said something that struck home. “If God puts someone in your life, if it’s meant to be – it’s meant to be. All those barriers you have…well, you’re going to have to work on them. Relationships are meant to be worked on. If it’s God’s plan, you can’t stand in the way.” … or something along those lines.
My 18 year old daughter sent me a text today and it said “The best way to find a spouse is to chase the Savior.”
And…how can I, an imperfect human, argue with that? How can I not want to chase the Savior? So, in my new line of thinking…if God drops someone in my path and I don’t run away screaming…how do I KNOW HE’S the ONE?
- God fulfills our every need – for me, He has given me satisfaction without a husband, I am content with my life and feel no loss over being single, I currently have no desire to date or marry. I am willing to consider the idea in the future, but only if God orchestrates it
- God will put the right person in your life, when the time is right God will send the right person. Imagine God whispering this to you: You continue to get your heart broken because you are holding the pen of your life and trying to write your own story. I am the Author of true love. I am the Creator of romance. I know your every heart’s desire. I want to script a beautiful tale just for you, but first you must give the pen to Me. You must let Me become the center of your existence. You must let Me have total control of your love life, and every other area of your life as well.
- Here is the truth that many of us hesitate to really believe: if and when the time comes for us to be married, God will orchestrate the love story. But until them, focus instead on serving Him and pouring our life out for Him. The timing is up to Him, not us.
- So, be like me…ditch online dating and Facebook flirting, real flirting, etc. . Don’t build your life around the pursuit of guys or men. Instead, pursue Jesus Christ. Find your fulfillment in Him. If His plan for you to marry, it should merely be an outflow of a much more important love story – your daily, intimate love relationship with the King of all kings. And if you are uncertain that He alone is enough to fulfill you at the deepest level, just take a look at these amazing promises from His Word:
- “O LORD, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup…” (Psalm 16:5).
- “Jehovah is my shepherd, I do not lack.” (Psalm 23:1 YLT).
- “For He satisfies the longing soul…” (Psalm 107:9).
- “…the fullness of Him who fills all in all” (Eph. 1:23).
If you need something you do – check with your church, they always need people to serve. If you don’t have a church, find a good bible teaching church, who is involved in the community, and one who serves.