Life has a funny way of changing you. Of changing the way you think, the way you feel, the very way you operate. We all have our ups and downs. We make good decisions and bad ones. It’s one of those bad ones that still haunt me today.
Back some years ago I was married to someone who wasn’t supportive. Each of us had previously been married before and had children from those previous marriages. Through the years our kids became very close. People who didn’t know our story, thought they were biological siblings.
I knew my marriage was a mistake from before I even said I do. But I didn’t have the balls to duck out of it. And I’m a woman, so don’t actually have balls anyways…but you know what I mean. I knew something was wrong from the get-go. He couldn’t get a job, couldn’t hold a job down. His family wouldn’t feed him or his kid. Just some fishy stuff. If only I knew then what I know know.
What was left behind? My innocence. I thought there were still good men out there. Now I don’t. Now I am certain that 99% of them have an agenda. If they have kids they want you to either raise their kids or pay their bills or something. So I’m done with that.
While I can’t change the past, I can change the now and the future. I can pray for her. I can send positive thoughts her way. I can hope and pray that someone enters her life who can help her reach her full potential. To get where she needs to be in school. To have a love and passion for learning. To learn that not all mom’s are mean, not all step-mom’s have to leave, and that she is loved. I know that those still in her life are responsible for what goes in her ears, so there is nothing I can do about that. Just hope that one day when she is older she realizes that as they are or were…
What is left behind – hurt….she has no idea why I had to leave. We had our water shut off, about to get kicked out, and our power was getting shut off the next day. She has no idea that her dad refused to work. That I have several chronic illnesses, some of them that may be fatal. She has no idea that when I told her dad I couldn’t work anymore and said he needed to get a job with insurance, he laughed – and said that was never going to happen.
So…now there is a left-behind story that makes me look like the bad guy. Like the worst person in the world. I feel I had no other choice to make but to leave. We were about to be homeless. My health had crashed and I would have to stop numerous times on the way home just to make it home. When I did get home, I would crawl to the couch…literally.
What was left behind was hurtful words and actions – my kid has Asperger’s and for that my kid was always made fun of by him. When we left my kid told me “I NEVER want to go back to living like that again…ever. And I won’t.”
So many things left behind. So many regrets about hurt people. Time will heal, people move on. Many things left behind, some left better behind us.
The ex and his kid moved on, have a new woman in their life. Hope she works out for them. And hope he doesn’t cost her $60,000 like he did me!